After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
