Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
