I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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