went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
