i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
