hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Randomize
