just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.