Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
