She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
