your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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