Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Randomize
