No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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