there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
