I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
