The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
