Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
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No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
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I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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