i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
