Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
