Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.