maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
