When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I came so hard my ears popped.
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