If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
