so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
