so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
