there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
