R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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