Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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