My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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