can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
