So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
