my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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