You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
