I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
