Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Please don't give away my fajitas
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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