you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
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That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
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I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
i need some magic done to my vagina
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize