Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
