I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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