You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
