i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
