I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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