Umm I'm too high to move.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
