Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
