My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
