I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
