i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
