remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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