Will you blow on my dice?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
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I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
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My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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