his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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