Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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