fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
