i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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