theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
