Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
