So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
