I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
