i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
