Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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