I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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